Sunday, 11 October 2015

A New Leaf

It has been nearly four weeks since I last posted anything, but I am proud to say I have been doing really well in regard to changing my drinking habits. I've sort of gone off drinking, I only drank once, when I went out for the night last weekend, and even then I paced myself. I did enjoy myself just fine, but I didn't over do it. I didn't feel very hung over the next day and I felt glad for it.

Last night we were at home and my husband had a drink but I didn't really join in, I enjoyed a glass with my dinner and tipped the second glass in the sink. Just didn't fancy it at all. I'm not enjoying drinking at home, and it's quite nice just saving it for special occasions or when I'm actually going out properly.

To top off the progress, I quit smoking two weeks ago too. Granted, I am using an eCigarette in it's place, but I am going to be cutting the nicotine in the juice down to zero (currently on 3mg). So it won't be long until I'm vaping, well, just vape. If that makes sense?

My son started nursery on the 28th, the day after I quit smoking. It's been a great couple of weeks, really injecting our lives with some routine and some much needed extra activity for the both of us. i've even started to lose weight again, getting out and about a bit more.

I am feeling good, different, but good. I actually feel tired at bed time! I haven't been laying in bed over thinking or worrying about hypothetical situations. Just a big bonus to getting out of the house every day. I feel like things are coming together, despite our living in a constant state of limbo about certain things. Either way, I feel like I am a real person, not just existing behind closed doors - at least not all of the time. 

I am feeling proud of the things that might seem trivial to some - but mentally, I feel like I have accomplished more in the last few months than I have in the last couple of years.  I'm looking forward to things, like Christmas. I've not had much enthusiasm for it over the last few years. Feel like I'm getting my 'mojo' back. I still have some way to go, but I'm getting there. I've even started to get on top of my housework again, I lost that for a long time. I suddenly have goals and some pride in what I do, whatever that is on any given day.

I've been trying to focus on the positive, shedding the negative. That's in terms of people, situations and thoughts. I'm not pining after the old me, I'm on my way to accepting and learning to enjoy New Me.

Fingers crossed that this is just the beginning.

- Bandit Queen

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Alcohol and Anxiety

After yesterday's post, I have decided to kick my drinking habits. They aren't healthy and they just make me feel embarrassed about my actions. I have already stopped drinking spirits really, I usually stick to white wine. When i'm out i'm just going to have white wine spritzers I think, something even weaker. Spread them out through the night.

The week that follows my night out of drinking is filled with anxiety and feeling embarrassed - even when I haven't done anything embarrassing. I just don't want to feel that way anymore. I go out with friends but for some reason end up making 'friends' with random people, adding them on facebook etc. Then the next day I just feel weird about it and feel like deleting them. It's not like I actually want to be their friend! I don't even know them.

Before I had my baby, my alcohol tolerance was much higher, but I've carried on keeping up with everyone around me, taking in the same volumes as before, but I can't really handle it if i'm honest. I'm not myself. I don't intentionally try to keep up, it's just the usual pace that I'm used to.

Going to try this next thing, but if thats not working out, I may just have to knock 'going out' on the head altogether. I'm getting too old for this shit.

I'm right to think alcohol is making my anxiety worse, after a little googling i've found its actually really common for the two to go hand in hand. But they only make each other worse.

My life is about to change, my son is going to nursery this month and I will have a new routine, which i'm hoping will lead me to some new found motivation. No more night gown mum. I just want to feel good again, look good again. I don't need this anxiety spoiling it. I want to be the best mum I can be, and so, try I shall.

- Bandit Queen
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