Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Alcohol and Anxiety

After yesterday's post, I have decided to kick my drinking habits. They aren't healthy and they just make me feel embarrassed about my actions. I have already stopped drinking spirits really, I usually stick to white wine. When i'm out i'm just going to have white wine spritzers I think, something even weaker. Spread them out through the night.

The week that follows my night out of drinking is filled with anxiety and feeling embarrassed - even when I haven't done anything embarrassing. I just don't want to feel that way anymore. I go out with friends but for some reason end up making 'friends' with random people, adding them on facebook etc. Then the next day I just feel weird about it and feel like deleting them. It's not like I actually want to be their friend! I don't even know them.

Before I had my baby, my alcohol tolerance was much higher, but i've carried on keeping up with everyone around me, taking in the same volumes as before, but I can't really handle it if i'm honest. I'm not myself.

Going to try this next thing, but if thats not working out, I may just have to knock 'going out' on the head altogether. I'm getting too old for this shit.

I'm right to think alcohol is making my anxiety worse, after a little googling i've found its actually really common for the two to go hand in hand. But they only make each other worse.

My life is about to change, my son is going to nursery this month and I will have a new routine, which i'm hoping will lead me to some new found motivation. No more night gown mum. I just want to feel good again, look good again. I don't need this anxiety spoiling it. I want to be the best mum I can be, and so, try I shall.

- Bandit Queen

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Restarting My Blog

So, the last time I wrote anything on here was in January 2013. It never ceases to amaze me just how fast these years have flown by. Lots of things have changed and I feel like I have changed too. I was thinking of just making a new blog and starting fresh, but there was something rather dissatisfying about deleting all the content I had already made - and all the views i've already had. So i've decided to just carry on with it as it is. It's mostly written for myself anyway, I don't think anyone actually cares about my relentless cynicism...

I'd love to have a blog that concentrates on a particular subject, but i'm just not 'into' any particular thing more than any other. I guess my expertise lies in home making and family life, but even that seems a bit jaded of late. In the last couple of years I have become an anxious person, I worry about everything, I second guess myself and worry myself sick about situations that haven't even happened. I've had three panic attacks this year. I've just changed. 

My alcohol tolerance has become a mystery, I have to keep myself in check with it because I get drunk a bit too quickly. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what I can and can't though. It's since I had a baby that it's almost like I don't know myself. Although I love being a mum, I am very conscious of the fact that my old identity has slipped away from me. That's quite a hard thing to deal with, but probably quite a common one, but that sort of reasoning doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

It does feel quite a positive move to write it down though.

- Bandit Queen
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